Credit: Thinkstock
What about those fashion emergencies that would 100% never, ever happen in a million years but, hello, WHAT IF THEY DID?!
The term "fashion emergency" gets thrown around a lot these days. Usually used to describe such pedestrian occurrences as a broken nail, fallen hem, or overly zealous blush application, it's now lost most of its meaning. By now, we all know how to get deodorant smears off our blouses and use clear nail polish to secure a loose button. What about the actual fashion emergencies? The life or death ones? The ones that would 100% never, ever happen in a million years but, hello, WHAT IF THEY DID?!
Here are a few legit fashion emergencies and how to handle them should they arise . . .
Fashion Emergency #1: You go to a swanky party only to realize you're wearing the exact same dress as another woman . . . and also she is wearing a 3D printed mask of your face and intends to steal your identity and frame you for murder before the salmon mousse is served. 
Subtly excuse yourself to the restroom with a glass of red wine. Lock the door behind you, plug the sink, dump the red wine into the basin, and submerge your dress until it's dyed a nice deep shade of Merlot. This will, at the very least, make it look like you're not wearing the EXACT same dress as another party guest (ugh, so mortifying). While your dress dries, rent Face/Off on Amazon Instant Video and watch it on your phone. The whole thing. Don't just skip to the end because you really need to understand the entire plot to fully comprehend all the characters' motivations. After the credits roll, use your stiletto heel and wet paper towels to make a DIY harpoon and do what you have to do.
Fashion Emergency #2: Your pants hem fell . . . into a trash compactor that's now sucking you into its crushing jaws.
Use fashion tape (you do keep a roll in your purse, right?) to tape up a makeshift hem, being sure to take into account the height of the shoes you're wearing and the weight of the pants fabric (imminent death or not, there's nothing worse than an awkwardly hemmed pant leg!). Once your pants are presentable again, throw the fashion tape into the gear of the trash compactor to jam it, and free yourself. Don't forget a spritz of perfume to mask that awkward "I was just almost compacted into a neat cube of human flesh and rotten banana peels" smell.
Fashion Emergency #3: Ugh. Your nail broke . . . just as you were using it to pry open the control panel on a ticking bomb that's about to turn Cleveland into a nuclear wasteland.
Since there's no way to repair a nail that's already broken, your best bet here is just to trim down all your nails to a shorter, more uniform length to match the broken one. Then use the file attachment of your nail clippers to pry open the control panel and finish defusing the bomb.
Fashion Emergency #4: Of course you started your period three days early while wearing white pants . . . and taking part in an uncaged immersion dive into a school of hungry bull sharks. 
The good news about bleeding on white pants while underwater is they're probably not going to stain, but if the water is too warm it might immediately set the stain deep in the fabric. Make a mental note to scrub your pants with a bit of hydrogen peroxide as soon as possible, but in the meantime, fold the top of your wetsuit down to cover up the offending area. If the sharks are already circling by the time you've concealed your menstrual surprise, take off a fin and use it to slap them in the nose until they leave you alone long enough to make your way to the safety of the surface (slowly though! Lord knows you don't want a case of the bends on top of your regular cramps).
Fashion Emergency #5: A button pops off your blouse on a dinner date . . . and flies straight into the eye of an irritable dictator sitting two tables over, who declares it an act of war and vows swift, unyielding retaliation against your country.
Try to make a self-deprecating joke about the situation to put your date at ease, then cover up with a cardigan or a napkin bib while you improvise a quick fix. Ask the waiter for a rubber band or a piece of kitchen twine to thread through the button hole and tie to keep your blouse closed, at least until the end of the evening. Once that's settled, send a creme brulee over to the dictator's table. No one can stay angry when presented with a free creme brulee. That's just a fact.
